The 10 most memorable moments from the 2015 ESPY Awards

LOS ANGELES – We’re adrift in the doldrums of the sports world. Soccer’s over, basketball’s over, no football for another two months, and baseball is in its All-Star break. So For The Win headed to the red carpet to cover the 2015 ESPYs.

It’s ESPN’s crossover award show that awkwardly mixes professional sports and Hollywood.

At its best, the award show offers up heartwarming celebrations of those in the sports world who made a difference, like Leah Still and Lauren Hill.

At its worst, it has terribly unfunny presenters telling us a subjective conclusion about who’s the best at what, after we’ve already covered it, you know, objectively with scoreboards and championships and stuff.

But first, the red carpet. It was hot. Very hot.

And sure there were plenty of people dressed like sideshow attractions. But for every Raiders punter that showed up in a Superman costumethere was at least at least one Alex Morgan, looking regal. (No, she didn’t talk to me.)

So now that all the awards have been handed out and everyone has lit off to the after party, let’s get into some of the high notes from this year’s show, in no particular order.

1. JOEL MCHALE PULLING EXACTLY ZERO PUNCHES IN THE OPENING MONOLOGUE

The ESPYs opening monologue is like any other cold open– chuck a bunch of jokes at the wall and pray that some of them stick. It’s easy to trip up, but that usually only happens when you don’t fully commit.

And Joel McHale committed. He was absolutely ruthless.

He started by roasting Russell Wilson for throwing that fateful interception in the Super Bowl (reminder: you STILL have Marshawn Lynch), and followed up by jabbing LeBron James for being out-coached by Steve Kerr in the NBA Finals.

He called Jordan Spieth the next Tiger Woods which would usually a complement, but to be Tiger Woods then, you have to be Tiger Woods now, and that doesn’t bode too well for the future Mrs. Jordan Spieth.

Oh, and he got Jason Pierre-Paul too. Big time.

2. ALEX RODRIGUEZ APOLOGIZING…FOR EVERYTHING

Early on, baseball’s resident heel Alex Rodriguez got Ken Jeong to read a lengthy apology for him. It was a full two pages long, and spanned everything from [redacted Game Of Thrones spoiler] to gluten, the water shortage in California, and Greece’s economy circling the drain.

He apologized for everything, except for all of the stuff that actually mattered.

3. LEBRON JAMES WINNING BEST CHAMPIONSHIP PERFORMANCE, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP

LeBron James played his heart out in the NBA Finals. He nearly averaged 30-point triple-doubles the entire series. He forced a Game 6, almost all by his onesie (stellar and random performances from Matthew Dellavedova notwithstanding). He fought tooth and nail and still came up empty-handed because the Warriors were just too good. Truth be told, he probably deserved the Finals MVP award, but that ended up in the hands of Andre Iguodala.

It was undoubtedly the Best Championship Performance, and at the very least James was validated with an ESPY.

4. DANIELLE GREEN RECEIVING THE PAT TILLMAN AWARD

Danielle Green punched her ticket out of the South Side of Chicago with a basketball scholarship to Notre Dame and had a successful five years there as an excellent (5-foot-8) point guard. Green then headed off to serve her country in Iraq but lost her left arm from the elbow down in the explosion of a rocket propelled grenade. Green returned home and was decorated with a Purple Heart, and, even after giving so much, continued to give back as a readjustment counseling therapist to post-war veterans and their families.

Green delivered an emotional and moving acceptance speech with a stirring call-to-action:

“Ask yourself: What’s my purpose? What’s my passion? What do I want my legacy to be? How can I live as a full human being? We can all find ways to support the people around us. We can all find a purpose on this Earth larger than yourself.”

5. J.J. WATT AND BRITNEY SPEARS

While presenting the Best Female Athlete Award (which went to Ronda Rousey, obviously), J.J. Watt and Britney Spears engaged in some light, scripted flirting, wherein Watt confessed that “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time” was a huge inspiration to him.

No, not because it makes him think about ripping through offensive lines like tissue paper and laying the smackdown on opposing quarterbacks, but because way deep down, just like the rest of us, J.J. Watt is just trying to stay strong and not die alone.

6. NATE RUESS’ ‘IN MEMORIAM’ PERFORMANCE

In a year when we lost so many, Nate Ruess’ special performance of his soaring solo effort “Moment,” really hit home. It was a segment that was marked by restraint. No gimmicks, no distractions, just his voice, and a backdrop of all of the sports figures that left us this year.

7. DEVON STILL’S AMAZING SPEECH

Leah Still is stronger than you, or me, or anyone else. You could search the world over and struggle mightily to find a child one-tenth as inspiring. She couldn’t travel to the ESPYs, but her father, Devon Still was on hand to accept the Jimmy V Perseverance award on her behalf. And his speech. His speech.

Wow.